Grieving the Living
The living aren’t exactly dead. Right? By definition? They are out in the world somewhere, existing.
Which makes it hard to explain why someone might find themselves grieving over the loss of someone, when they are very much alive. It’s incredibly difficult to experience this pain because it can feel so lonely and isolating. What do you mean you’re grieving your mom? Doesn’t she live in the town over?
The reality is, even if someone is alive, and even if they are still a part of that person’s life, they can still experience grieving that relationship.
Grieving the Relationship
For some people this may look like a family member who has been gone due to work, or illness. Maybe they have been relocated across the world, or maybe they are in a rehabilitation facility 3 states away. Maybe that person is not a safe individual for them to have in their life. They have abused them, harmed them, or even harmed someone they love or protect. Maybe the relationship is strained because of the person’s choices, and lack of understanding. Maybe the person is incapacitated due to an accident or disease. Maybe the person is perfectly available and yet they are still not a part of the person’s life by choice.
Whatever the reason may be, it’s completely normal and expected to experience grief when a relationship is lost. We often call this ambiguous grief. The loss of a person without a physical death. It can be exhausting, frustrating, and even re-triggered by well meaning people who just wish you would call your dad because, “He’s still your father.”
Emotional Toll
These relationships can feel like whiplash. Feeling sad, and depressed and maybe a strong desire for the person to be who they need. Then hopeful the person may be able to be in the griever’s life with the promise, or assumed promise, of stability and support. Maybe they shower the person with gifts, and affection. Maybe they seem to be getting better. Then the creeping sadness that sulks in as that person shows signs of leaving again. Maybe they become cold and disinterested. Maybe their health starts to deteriorate. Maybe they still show affection, but also show signs of harm and abuse. Then they leave, or are forced to leave. The griever’s heart drops and there is an emptiness of them once again being gone.
These relationships often come with feelings of Fear, Obligation & Guilt, or FOG. Like looking into a mirror without a clear view. How can I make this person be who I need? How can I help them get better? Is it my fault? Did I do something to deserve this? You strain your eyes to find a clear answer, but there is none. The reality is, there is nothing you can do to make that person better. You can’t fix a relationship that is broken because of someone else. We cannot control their behavior, their emotions, their health, or their thoughts. You could be the perfect daughter, brother, cousin, friend, and that relationship can still cause pain in your life. You can only control you. Your behaviors, thoughts, emotional responses, and decisions.
Intense loss, loneliness, isolation, depression, and anxiety can result from these relationships. It’s difficult to navigate, and sometimes may require social and professional support. It’s important to remember your feelings are valid, and you are not alone.
Seeking Support
Finding a support system is crucial to overcoming and adapting to these relationship losses. Utilize healthy relationships in your life to fill in those gaps missing from the one lost. Create a Found Family, a group of individuals you choose to have in your life. They can be filled with friends, mentors, extended family, pets, and really, anyone who is emotionally healthy and wants to be in your life.
Set boundaries for yourself. Determine what you will allow in your life. Are you ok with having the person still play a role at a distance? Do you need to completely and purposely cut the relationship out of your life? Do you need to limit the time you spend with the person or find others to fill in? Is there information you want to keep private or away from the relationship? What kind of relationships do I want to foster and grow? How do I establish time and energy in my life for those relationships?
Say No. There are plenty of ways to say no. Give yourself the freedom to say no when you need to. Your wellbeing matters.
“I appreciate you thinking of me for family Christmas. I’m going to be staying in this year.”
“My schedule is full, I won’t be able to see you when you come to town.”
“No thank you.”
“I’m not talking about my marriage, Mom.”
“You’re going to need to leave by 7pm.”
“I can dedicate 2 hours to visiting with grandpa. You’ll need to find someone else for those other times.”
“Thanks for asking about my life, I’m doing well.”
Grieving the living is a large task. It’s difficult, emotionally draining, and often requires intense self-reflection and inner work. BUT. It is possible to do and be healthy. It’s possible to grieve and feel a sense of peace with the relationship as it is.
I believe in you.