“I’m not going to grandma’s funeral,” and other boundaries you can set around grief.
Yeah. You can tell them no. Even if it’s about someone’s death.
I know, I know. It seems rude. It seems wrong. It seems… disrespectful. But here’s the deal. Your grief is just as valid and important as everyone else who is grieving.
This weird thing seems to happen when we experience the death of someone. We suddenly try to accommodate and please those who, “are having a harder time.”
They were closer to the person that was lost. You should be there to support your mother. You’re grandpa will notice you’re not there. It’s her dying wish for the family to be together. You’d want them there for you…
My question to you is, “Are they having a harder time? Are their needs more important? Or are you both experiencing grief differently?”
Grief looks different for everyone. Maybe your grief looks like feeling more irritable with that co-worker who is too nosey and always asks too many questions about your personal life. Or maybe it’s noticing you’re struggling to engage with your friends and you are saying no to going to lunch more often than usual.
Maybe it’s knowing the cost of losing pay by taking time off, cost of gas to drive 5 hours, and exposure to unhealthy family in a funeral space that makes that grief feels unbearable.
Your boundaries around your grief are valid. You deserve the same respect and support and space you need to grieve. No amount of convincing yourself to do it for the family or other people will make your grief (or frankly theirs) better.
Those traditional funeral or memorial experiences are a space to find support and community. There is a reason we all gather when there is a loss. We need others to help us make sense of the loss, feel heard and seen, and validated in our emotional experience.
However, if the space is not safe, or costs/harms you, then you are absolutely within your right to say no. I personally believe you are allowed to say no to anything, but there is a space for compromise when it’s warranted. Your safety and wellbeing are not compromisable.
And frankly, anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, is not listening to you and your needs. Surround yourself with people who respect those boundaries. You are the only one who lives inside your body and soul. You get to decide.
Other things you can say no to and set boundaries around:
Going up to a casket to view the deceased
Bringing food/flowers/gifts
Attending a church service
Attending a grave side ceremony
Participating in traditions you don’t agree with
Going on long trips to memorials, funerals, or to spread ashes
Taking a portion of ashes
Taking/keeping items that were willed to you or they “wanted you to have”
Visiting a dying family member (this one is best to talk out with a trusted person)
Writing on a social media post/obituary
Talking with family members you’ve gone low/no-contact with
Dressing or behaving a specific way that is not true to yourself
Having your name in the obituary/memorial
Having photos of you in the memorial/slideshow
Bringing or not bringing children/spouses/your supports
Listening to or watching certain songs/media/stories
Only speaking well of the deceased
Being in the same vehicle/transport as people you’re uncomfortable with
Staying in family homes/with people you’re uncomfortable with
Participating in planning of funerals/memorials/tombstones/urns/ceremonies
Doing what others want while planning funerals/memorials/tombstones/urns/ceremonies
Remember that you’re always allowed to say no to things you are uncomfortable with, and there is nothing wrong with protecting yourself, your mental health, and those you love.